Today was Damon's birthday. I find it particularly weird that I often have trouble remembering some of my brother's and sister's birthdays, but June 3rd, my dead brother's birthday is easily remembered. Maybe it has to do with that one June 3rd when we were kids and my brother Micah was in the hospital with pneumonia. I remember how I didn't really know what to feel on that day since I was worried about my sick brother. But at the same time I was wondering, how does Damon, my other brother, feel? His birthday is today and everyone is too busy and too worried to really celebrate his birthday. I think we actually did do the whole presents and cake thing but I don't remember much about that. What stands out is that just as Micah was starting to recover and our Dad had just returned to his job which was over 150 miles away, my dad's dad died.
I could be mis-remembering the exact timeline or minor details. But I definitely remember the strange sense of dread I felt at that time. When the whole world seems to start falling apart it can be extremely unnerving, especially for a kid. Prior to this time I believed my parents and other grown-ups could make everything ok. Doctors could always solve a problem. My dad could fix the problem like he fixed the car. God wouldn't allow terrible things to happen to you if you were good. The very idea that we are all mortal, that we live in a wild and crazy world where everything is not always fair, that good guys don't always win and that a birthday present may not make you feel better, was, and sometimes still is, shocking.
Of course I am old enough to know better. I have hit the potholes in life and been totally washed clean of my childhood naivete. It really is not so much that bad things can happen, but that they sometimes happen to good people doing all the right things at all the right times. The idea that at the core of all things chance might be the determining factor is overwhelmingly depressing. It is much easier to live day to day if you allow for the delusion or illusion that someone somewhere is in charge and they are looking out for you and your world. Whether it be karma, fate, God, or a bit of optimistic thinking, sometimes you've just gotta believe it will all work out. Today, I believe.
1 comment:
Maybe coincidence maybe something else. I your conclusion here about bad things happening to good people and how we have to believe in something more than us just to feel better about this world...
I am reading a novel right now/when i read this in which the characters are struggling with the fact that bad things happen to good people and mentioned how those that have had such struggles in life are more likely to believe in some higher power.
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